Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
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[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.