Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
You Might Also Like
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.