The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.