Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
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Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”