Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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Bond. Trauma bond.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Dyslexics are teople poo!
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation