Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.