And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
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Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
The Book. The Movie.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
A flock of dads is called a grill.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Husband of the year 😂
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife