I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
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I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Someone just threatened to call me later
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
This story is comedy gold 😂
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”