Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
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Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
my retirement plan is braless
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.