do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars