A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
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If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
congratulations to them
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!