I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
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I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.