Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.