Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
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Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop