Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
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Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
my dad has had enough
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die