Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Name this drama.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
i prefer mine room temperature.