Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
just witnessed a drug deal
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
why would tinder want me to say this
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.