Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
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I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*