doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
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Want to talk trash? Recycle.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit