There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
giddy up Office Depot