Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
You Might Also Like
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*