sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
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[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?