Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
emergency phone
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Breaking news:
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building