REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
You Might Also Like
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”