Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.