“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
this is 10/10 content no notes
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.