I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
You Might Also Like
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Knock Knock
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker