My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
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I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too