In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
girls literally only want one thing..
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
BRO LMFAO
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.