every raccoon you see is currently on parole
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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”