COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
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I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I hate when that happens.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.