I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I had to Stop for this
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo