If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
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The prophecy is fulfilled
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
You can’t outrun your problems…
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer