“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
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Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
welp
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*