If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Pizza is an emotion right?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.