Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
You sure about that?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Your secret is safeish with me
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?