I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
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I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
is this how new cars are made??
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?