Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir