Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
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I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
what my late-night hot pocket sees
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*