“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
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Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me