The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
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If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.