I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
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Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
absolute chaos
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.