Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Go hard or stay average
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*