*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.