[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: 鈥OXES!
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle鈥檚 funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can鈥檛 make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
him: there is something wrong, but I can鈥檛 quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I鈥檓 like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn鈥檛 even taste like bacon.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You鈥檙e part of a cactus and I鈥檓 a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn鈥檛 press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn鈥檛 know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it鈥檚 my turn
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you鈥檇 never ask
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.