“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
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I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”