[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Coffee is ready.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.