Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?