After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
How to woo a woman
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
At least he brought enough for everyone
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.