Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
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Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Note to self: always read the final line
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.